DOES THAT HURT OR CAN YOU JUST FEEL IT: SHEETZ FOR BRAINS

The other day I almost got my ass kicked by some redneck who didn't understand the concept of a line. You see there is this Sheetz, near my house and it is crazy busy. There is always a line and I actually feel bad for the cashiers because it seems they never get a break.
For the longest time there wasn't any sort of queue line directing the cattle to their slaughter of caffeine and nicotine. Some people, understood the concept of "One line for 4 registers." We all wait in one line and go to the next available cashier. It's that simple - just like a bank - but without the roped off area clearly marking where one would form a line. Maybe my friends and neighbors at Sheetz understand the concept but without a queue line they were all kind of lost. I'm not sure what the problem was but the management of the store obviously saw one and attempted to solve it.
When the queue line appeared it seemed to confuse the sheeple more than they were without it. The first day a man stood at the entrance to the line - with no one queued in front of him. I was completely baffled. Maybe he felt that walking 5 feet just to be the first person in line was too much trouble. Maybe he assumed that those already at the register were going to be quicker than they were. He was called to the register to pay and the line that had formed behind him shuffled forward. I thought maybe the five people in front of me would file into the queue because now we were blocking the entrance and every 14.5 seconds another customer had to push their way into the store. No, that is not what occurred. On the contrary, the bright young lady behind our first confused sack of meat stopped, read the sign that says "LINE FORMS HERE" and made the conscious decision to stand... RIGHT THERE.... where the sign said the line forms - at the ENTRANCE to the line. I mean if the sign says LINE FORMS HERE it must FORM HERE regardless of that whole roped off little line - looking thing BEYOND THE SIGN.
In the weeks after, I found myself laughing out loud at the sheer stupidity of the people I encounter at this convenience store every day. One day someone was waiting in line in reverse - and others shuffled silently behind them. Another afternoon there were two lines. The one that the smart people formed in the queue and the one the others formed on their own. Each line was feeding two registers instead of one feeding four.
This particular afternoon found me surpised to see everyone had formed a line. A simple line, in the correct way, facing the proper direction. The 8 people in my vicinity were at least smart enough to understand the concept of a line and the way Sheetz wished for customers to form one. It was amazing, and I sadly felt proud for my fellow man. 11 weeks and they finally got it.
Then, interrupting my silent celebration of the astounding intelligence of society in general, comes a man with beef jerky, a bag of Doritos, and and mouth full of chew bigger than a baseball pitcher's, stepping up to the front of the line as if he didn't see the long line that he should have been standing in. Now, I had been watching him for the entire previous transaction. I had already summed him up as the only person in the building that was too dim to understand the concept of waiting your turn in line. I started moving toward the register before the transaction before me was complete - staking my claim as the one destined to be next in line. This piece of shit was not cutting in front of me; not on the day when everyone else and their uncle was getting it right. The cashier turned toward me, looked me in the eye and said "I'll take the next person in line please." This douchebag proceeds to unload his gourmet dinner for one from his arms and looks to the cashier who is staring at me. She was being a total bitch in her ignorance of his presence, staring at me as I slide next to him and have my items promptly scanned. Einstein, who had obviously been shot down hard by a 19 year old girl at Sheetz, stepped back and said "Where does the line form?"
I matter-of-factually reply, "Where the sign says it does?"
He might have been deaf and dumb because as he assumes his place as the ass-end of the line he asks, "Whagew say?"
So I turned, looked him in the eye and answered, "I said where ... the ... sign ... says ... it ... does. I don't think he appreciated my dramatic pause. Perhaps he mistook it for condescension or misread it as patronizing, regardless he was definitely pissed. The cashier who laughed out loud at him might have made things worse but by the time I finished my transaction and turned, Sir-Thinks-Alot had been stewing for over 20 seconds and his face had turned beet red. This guy wanted to kick my ass in the worst way. On my way out the door I thought he might just be crazy enough to start something so I waited in the car for a minute so he would see that that i wasn't scared shitless of him and was actually waiting for him because I was the crazy one and he shouldn't have messed with me. He was probably freaking out the entire time he was in line because I hear I can be pretty intimidating with my bald head and go-t.
Since then I had to find a way for the idiots to not seem like idiots so I could stand in what they thought was a line without getting myself so frustrated that I was finding myself on the brink of a fist fight. My solution: pretend that they are all too smart than the average American and becasue of that they take the time to rebel from the oppression of the man. No one will tell these free-thinking people where to form a line. They form lines where they say they do.

The Virus Formerly Known as Swine Flu

So it's no longer swine flu, it's H1N1 - the pork industry feared their sales would continue to plummet. Hell, McDonalds probably got in on the lobby because they sell hamburgers and there is a percentage of America that thinks burgers are made of pork. When it comes down to it though, I am concerned about this but I've realized something. I am not concerned about the virus, the pandemic, the fear of death. I am concerned, and, not panicked, mostly because no one knows anything about how it will all play out. Also, the information that is coming out of the moving picture box is so varied it is mind boggling.
There is nothing worse than a 24 hour news channel obsessing over something they know nothing about. It's like when Bush finally woke the fuck up and realized the economy was tanking and every "Financial Expert" was on television scrambling for ways to digest and solve the problem. I was off yesterday and due to several projects around the house I watched way too much news. My friend's mother lived with him when she was undergoing medical treatment and drove him crazy with what he called "One fucking hour of news repeating for 24 hours." Doug couldn't stand it and I can't stand it now either. I have turned off the 24 hour loop, stopped being brainwashed by my television, and started on a search for my "own" information.
This was good actually. I read things that calmed my nerves and soothed my fears a bit. Opposing opinions that it is all just propaganda and greatly controlled by the government and the media. I don't know what to think, but I think I do know that if someone says they're not at all concerned about the future they are lying.

FOLLOW THIS LINK for a raw interview that I stumbled upon from Pittsburgh NBC Affiliate WPXI. This has been the absolute best source of information I have encountered about swine flu. It is an interview with the guy that created the H1N1 Google map. It is 26 minutes log and I suggest you take the time throughout the next couple of days to watch it at least in little bits. Very informative, extremely balanced. Best case scenario in his mind is that in the fall the flu is dominated by regular 'ol seasonal flu and disappears. Also, he says the flu will dissipate this summer so the immediate future may not be so grim.

Please return to my stupid little blog. I am a writer who never writes and will be using this space more as a creative outlet. Be well and remember to wash your hands and stop touching yo' dman face and bitin' yo' nails.

dTr

Creating Holiday Legends

Earlier this month when we were decorating the house for Christmas we heard a Christmas song called "Angie the Christmas Tree Angel." The Andrews Sisters singing about the Angel that sits atop your tree and basically cares for the tree and helps decorate your home so it's perfect for Saint Nick. She also arranges the gifts perfectly after he apparently leaves all of your shit in a pile on the floor. This must be how Santa visits all of those houses in one night. He outsourced "neatly arranging the Christmas Gifts" to yet another job illegal Angel from heaven. I imagined the board meeting for Sears & Roebuck or some other vintage department store giant, shortly after Rudolph was created my Montgomery Wards to drive Christmas sales.

"Sales were down 2% last season and we need a Rudolph. Bert here has this idea about a Christmas Tree angel names Angie. If we roll it out with the Andrews Sisters we should be able to get a TV special and kids everywhere will be singing about Angie the Christmas Tree Angel for years to come."

Yeah, not so much...

Then there's "Suzie Snowflake." I was reminded of this gem through the fantastic selection of Christmas music at my job. At first it felt like I had heard it for the first time just like this Angie bullshit but then I remembered the song.
Suzie Snowflake is brilliant actually. The songs reminds us that without this new "Legendary" Christmas character we wouldn't have any snowmen to call Frosty; nor would we be free to go for that sleigh ride. Suzy is the most fundamental character of Christmas.

My favorite failed random vintage Christmas character marketing attempt has to be "Tingle the After Christmas Depression." Admittedly a spoof from MAD TV it is brilliantly crafted. I ws immediately reminded of it when I learned about this Angie chick. I can't find anything about this sketch on the web. It was from an early season and would love if someone could email me a link or a copy.

More Merry

There's a little more merry this year. I hadn't realized it until the past couple of days leading up to Christmas but as I look back, people have seemed to be a bit more merry this Christmas. I hear the words themselves a little bit more often than in previous years. Something is afoot.

Just last year people were censoring Santa Claus' "HO HO HO" catchphrase, in what I can only believe was an attempt at protecting the pride and respect of the average hooker selling her services for 20 bucks on the night stand and a some cocaine. Are we truly that concerned about whores and those who conduct themselves as such or did we confuse our kids by calling hookers hoes with no regard of what kind of questions it may raise in the month of December. If you're going to call your cousin a hoe in front of your child its your fault you child thinks Santa is standing on the street corner calling everyone that passes a hoe. This year though, there was none of that.

In my customer service oriented full time job, I encounter many people in my average day. Over the past several weeks more of these people have been using the specific "Merry Christmas" salutation. Is it the crashing economy forcing people to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas. When you have a limited budget to buy gifts with you tend to make the ones you do buy more special and remind yourself that what is most important is that you are able to spend quality time with loved ones.

Maybe people are simply sick and tired of the sterile "Happy Holidays" and the ridiculously contrived controversies over whether Santa is cursing or not. Maybe collectively people are beginning to reclaim the "Merry Christmas" affirming that most people are not offended when they hear those words.

I'm not sure I understand the "why" of it all or not but I will say it has been refreshing.

Merry Christmas and God bless us one and all.

The End of the Act

"So I haven't written in this blog in a while" - I'm sure the most common sentence to appear on the internet. There I said it but didn't say it. In my case I also hadn't read it in a while. I'm surprised at how much the tone of the last post made me sound like I thought Hillary Clinton was a calculated bitch. Regardless of whether I believe that or not doesn't matter because I never intended for the blog to imply that being a calculated bitch was necessarily a bad thing. I just think the calculated bitch persona is better served in the Senate than the white house. I also do not intend there to be any gender distinction at all with the use of the word bitch. Male presidents can be bitches too, but man I have seen some good shit come out of Hillary at 2pm on C-span 2 in the Senate. I know I saw a speech of her flipping out at the audacity of President Bush to consider rushing into a premature war when he had already over spent by 3 trillion dollars in just the last six months. It was almost inspiring. I say lets keep her in the senate. I like her there. Let her do her thing. Let her vote for a war that she didn't believe in but speak up about it loudly in the months leading up to it. I am cool with that. In the meantime I'm going to try to figure out why I am so happy that she is not the presumptive nominee.

WHAT AN ACT!

If we didn't know it already, being a politician is very akin to being an actor.
You've got your campaign staff that resembles the staff of a television production with producers, stylists, and writers - Something tells me that Bush's writers have been on strike much longer than 6 weeks. John Edwards gets $400 haircuts, Guilianni stages accidental phone calls from his wife during speaking events (really what kind of ass doesn't turn his phone off when giving a speech while campaigning for president) Obama appears on Oprah promoting his newest summer blockbuster. Ronald Reagan was such a good actor he seemingly convinced every hardcore Republican out there that he was the best President ever. Well in case you haven't seen it, here it is, the most recent and vivid example of the act that goes into being a politician. Hillary Clinton gets choked up and emotional on the campaign trail in New Hampshire. Just watch and continue reading underneath:





...and the Emmy goes to........drum roll please! Come on. What is she thinking? Why would she do this? Did she think showing emotion might help her gain a few more votes in New Hampshire? If so I'm sure she didn't consider that almost crying during a campaign stop may not illicit confidence in the American people that she won't start crying during diplomatic talks with a hostile country. Is she really so tired and worn out from campaigning that she just can't keep it together long enough to answer a simple question? If so, one might worry about how she planned to keep it together over a 4 year presidential term. Something tells me that running a nation is much harder and more exhausting that running FOR running a nation. Is she truly that emotional and on edge because she sees her chances at being President again slipping through her fingers? I think so. I think this is the sign of a desperate woman. This is her Howard Dean moment. Whereas Howard Dean was pretty calm but broke down into a fit of rage, Hillary took a break from her fits of rage for a quiet moment of calm.

...AND THEY'RE OFF!

With the Iowa Caucus, today officially starts the next race for the White House and I couldn't be happier for these primaries and caucuses to begin.

First, there are too many of these assholes running at the moment. I can only handle so much rhetoric and bs and with about 15 Democrats running and upwards of 18 Republicans I've had enough bullshit thrown at me to fertilize the entire state of Iowa for at least the next four years. Add to that the list of Libertarian, Green, Constitution, Independent, and "Other" candidates and my head feels like its going to explode. My favorite "Other" party candidate by the way, is Cris Ericson from the US Marijuana Party. Now, I quit smoking pot a long time ago but mostly because it is illegal. Elect this gal for president and I would fall off the wagon faster than you can say gravity bong.

The second reason I am thrilled to see the race begin today is that I am quite frankly sick of George W. Bush being our president. I was certain that this guy would never be elected. Then I was certain that after his first 4 years he could not possibly get elected to another 4. Now, 7 years later I am ready for the nightmare to end. So let's get the ball rolling on finding a more tolerable asshole to run our country and in the meantime celebrate the end of an era by visiting Bush's Last Day - my new favorite website.

A LITTLE SUBTLETY PLEASE?

Here's one to wrap your brain around. We all know about the electoral college right? Remember campaign 2000, or have we all started donating boxes of those memories to Goodwill to make room for new ones? The electoral college is the current "constitutional" process by which we elect one to the "most important" office in American politics. If you're not familiar with how this stuff works head on over to How Stuff Works to find out how all this stuff works. Suffice it to say, some of our founding fathers supposedly thought that choosing a president by popular vote was too reckless and some of our other Founding Fathers believed that having congress choose our president was too terrifying. So every state was assigned a number of electors equal to the number of that state's congressman and representatives. In 2000 many voters were shocked to find out that although George W. Bush had not received the majority of the popular vote, he would still be our President. Many supporters of Bush used the constitution to uphold this decision siting that the system was set-up this way and changing it would be unconstitutional.

California holds 55 electoral votes, the most in the nation. Traditionally all 55 electoral votes are given to the candidate that wins the state's popular vote - a Democrat in the last 4 presidential elections. Enter the Presidential Election Reform Act. A ballot initiative that would give one electoral vote to the winner of each of California's 55 congressional districts. If this initiative is passed The Republican Party is poised to receive about 20 electoral votes even if they lose the state as a whole to Democrats. This is equal to winning a state such as Ohio, or Pennsylvania, or Illinois; or even winning in 2 Marylands, Minnesotas, or Arizonas; or winning 1 Utah, 1 Iowa, 1 of the Dakotas, 1 Maine, and a Delaware in a pear tree.

The people supporting the Presidential Election Reform Act claim that it will make the electoral process fairer and more democratic. Which might be true because it seems the Democratic party is up to the same shenanigans in North Carolina - a state that notoriously leans Republican. The Democratic controlled State Legislative branch took up a bill that would restructure the voting process in the same way.
In this example there are a mere 15 electoral votes up for grabs as compared to the behemoth that is California's 55.

What is going on here? Have elections really been turned into an arbitrary scoring system based on statistic and demographics. Candidates choose which regions to campaign in and which ones to not waste their money on based on historical voting outcomes. Talking points and campaign speeches are littered with hot button issues that statistically rally a certain group of voters. Now they're realizing that through clever redistricting they can score a few extra points than usual and "steal" elections.

What makes all of this electoral juggling so easy to accomplish is a 2 party system. Anyone can juggle 2 balls; it takes much more skill to juggle even just one more. Give us Red, Blue AND White candidates and see how hard it would be to shuffle our votes from one side to the other now.

SHOW ME YOUR HOSE!

On July 21, 2007 it seems that a portion of the San Diego Fire Department was "forced" to march in the San Diego Gay Pride Parade. For the record the picture on the right is not one from the actual parade in San Diego. These overly enthusiastic Firemen are from Melbourne according to the info on the pic which I stole from This Chump's photo stream over at Flickr.

From what I've gathered about this story from radio, print, and online sources is that for 15 years the San Diego Fire Department has been participating in the local Gay Pride Parade. An engine crew had volunteered to represent the Department in the parade before the day of the event on the 21st. At the last moment, the crew that volunteered canceled because one of their men had a family emergency. Subsequently, at the last minute, four firefighters because they were assigned to a station near the parade route were asked to represent the city in the parade. The men expressed their concern in doing so and said they would only do it if it was an order. Apparently they were ordered.

One of the firefighters was quoted by the AP as saying: "I was forced into a situation that would compromise what I hold true and what I believe in." The complaint continues to state that the men had to endure harassment in the form of catcalls and shouts of "Show me your hose" and "You can put out my fire." The men have since retained lawyers as well as the help of the Thomas More Law Center with their fight.

A spokesperson for the fire department said:
"At the last minute the crew in that community was asked to step up and represent our agency in the parade," he said. "We have a responsibility and we take it seriously to participate in these parades."



So let's think about this for a moment. Why do firemen march in parades to begin with? To show their support for the community. To remind everyone that they're the guys working at a moments notice to protect the city from the destructive nature of fire. To give something for all the little boys to stare and marvel at. It sounds to me as though they were not asked to do anything different in this parade from what they normally do in other parades.

No one asked them to wear skimpy yellow swim trunks and red leather vests and to dance and gyrate their hips along the parade route like the chaps pictured above. They were asked to represent the Fire Department in a parade that celebrated part of the community they serve. It is as simple as that. If the department was not represented in the parade it may have given the wrong impression to those within the community. By no means am I saying that it would be right for the gays in the community to make a big sassy stink because for the first time in 15 years a firetruck was not part of the festivities. All that I am saying is that these men were asked and subsequently ordered to do their job which, I'm sorry sometimes includes marching in parades.

I do think these men have rights though. Not agreeing with their lawsuit does not mean that I believe they do not have the right to refuse marching in the parade. It is a sensitive issue and one needs a little more than last minute notice to decide to march in a Gay Pride Parade. There is the stigma of simply having marched in the parade to consider isn't there? Maybe these men were afraid that by marching in the parade others would think they were gay? Maybe they were concerned that just by being in the parade they would find their formerly masculine firefighting selves suddenly bursting into flames of gayness from which they would never emerge straight again. They've seen it happen before. They've seen their friends marching in the St Patrick's Day Parade turning into pale skinned, loud mouthed, drunks right before their eyes. They've seen their buddies in the Italian American Day Parade transform into hairy, overweight mobsters in the course of an hour and a half. You shouldn't expect them to subject themselves to the chance that they might be changed forever by this experience, and you shouldn't be surprised that they are suing.

What's Going On Here

Years ago, a typical drive to work or back home from, would usually include 3-4 “Road Rage Induced Outbursts.” I was driving through the downtown portion of the city of Pittsburgh
everyday and I just assumed having only 3-4 RRIO’s per trip was par for the course. If you
have lived and driven in the City of Pittsburgh, then take a moment while the shiver that just shot up your spine subsides. Those of you that have never lived or driven in the City of Pittsburgh then please take a moment to appreciate how good God is to you. Have we all taken our respective moments? Good. Now let’s talk driving in the City of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.

I want you to imagine that you’re driving in your vehicle, and that vehicle has just driven through a shrink ray beam. With me? Good. That shrink ray did exactly what it set out to do and now you are the size of an ant. Yes, the car is the size of an ant car. You and your car are shrunk to the size of an ant in an ant car. Yes. Ok. Now, you (and your ant car) have been picked up by someone’s giant fingers and plopped right in the middle of a bowl of spaghetti. Come on, we all have imaginations, use yours. Small “ant” you, in your little “ant” car, driving in a world of spaghetti noodle roads. That’s what navigating Pittsburgh streets is like. “Oh no am I going in the right direction or did I exit the noodle I was on and get onto another noodle that is going one way in the wrong direction? I can’t tell if I’m on the same noodle or not. Oh shit whatever noodle we’re on at the moment is running out and I have to change noodles. Which one do I take? Left, Right? Diagonal to the top left, diagonal to the top right,
or maybe I should go around the loop to the right but end up going to the left noodle anyway?”
I shit you not, that is exactly what it is like.

Pittsburgh Streets are like a giant spaghetti bowl of death and most people driving near you have no fucking clue as to where the hell they are going. Yes it does sound overly dramatic but it is true. The worst people on the road in Pittsburgh are the one’s that don’t have any idea about where they are going. You can’t really blame them because it is Spaghetti Death Bowl 3000 out there. Nontheless, these are the one’s that fuck shit up for the rest of us. The one’s that get the bright idea to make a left turn while they are 3 lanes over in the right turning lane. The one’s that will pull out in front of you while there is no one behind you and go 10 miles an hour for 1 block and then turn left because they should have made a left instead of making a right and pulling out in front of you. The one’s that are too busy reading street signs like they’re a novel trying to figure out where the hell they are supposed to go. These are the bastards that get rear ended all the time.


There are quite a few obstacles in the way too - as if Grandma Polishinski driving to the Walgreen’s isn’t obstacle enough. You’ve got to accept that at anytime a gaping hole the size of Rhode Island could open up in the road just in front
of you, devouring your front passenger tire in one gulp. You have to prepare yourself for the surprise 5 mile gauntlet of construction zone orange and reflective white colored plastic drums. Do not be surprised to see no one working at all during that 5 mile one lane hell crawl either - Filling in a pot hole the size of Rhode Island takes a long time folks especially when they’re paying you by the hour. So I figure that between all the idiots, Rhode Island Potholes, and construction zones in this city that 3-4 RRIO’s for a single trip to work really wasn’t that bad.

I had this friend that would always tell me the truth no matter what. I was driving with her once and in the middle of our trip she says “You need to relax when you drive or you’re going to have a heart attack.” That was the truth, and I needed to hear it. Apparently it wasn’t so much the frequency of the outbursts because she had to admit that driving in Pittsburgh sucks, it was really the intensity of the outbursts that concerned her. How truly pissed off Grandma Polishinski could make me in under 3 and 1/2 seconds “terrified her,” I believe, her exact words.

I started thinking of a moment from South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut. Terrance and Philip are singing the classic “Uncle Fucker” and during one of the bridges the two of them cross the street and a Canadian Mountie approaches singin “What’s going on here?” What’s going on here saved me from my heart attack because any time someone pissed me off whilst driving I say that line outloud and I can do nothing but laugh, and maybe sing a verse of Uncle fucker. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are good for your well being, at least, that is, if you’re a driver in Pittsburgh. Now shut your fucking face Uncle Fucker.