What's Going On Here

Years ago, a typical drive to work or back home from, would usually include 3-4 “Road Rage Induced Outbursts.” I was driving through the downtown portion of the city of Pittsburgh
everyday and I just assumed having only 3-4 RRIO’s per trip was par for the course. If you
have lived and driven in the City of Pittsburgh, then take a moment while the shiver that just shot up your spine subsides. Those of you that have never lived or driven in the City of Pittsburgh then please take a moment to appreciate how good God is to you. Have we all taken our respective moments? Good. Now let’s talk driving in the City of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.

I want you to imagine that you’re driving in your vehicle, and that vehicle has just driven through a shrink ray beam. With me? Good. That shrink ray did exactly what it set out to do and now you are the size of an ant. Yes, the car is the size of an ant car. You and your car are shrunk to the size of an ant in an ant car. Yes. Ok. Now, you (and your ant car) have been picked up by someone’s giant fingers and plopped right in the middle of a bowl of spaghetti. Come on, we all have imaginations, use yours. Small “ant” you, in your little “ant” car, driving in a world of spaghetti noodle roads. That’s what navigating Pittsburgh streets is like. “Oh no am I going in the right direction or did I exit the noodle I was on and get onto another noodle that is going one way in the wrong direction? I can’t tell if I’m on the same noodle or not. Oh shit whatever noodle we’re on at the moment is running out and I have to change noodles. Which one do I take? Left, Right? Diagonal to the top left, diagonal to the top right,
or maybe I should go around the loop to the right but end up going to the left noodle anyway?”
I shit you not, that is exactly what it is like.

Pittsburgh Streets are like a giant spaghetti bowl of death and most people driving near you have no fucking clue as to where the hell they are going. Yes it does sound overly dramatic but it is true. The worst people on the road in Pittsburgh are the one’s that don’t have any idea about where they are going. You can’t really blame them because it is Spaghetti Death Bowl 3000 out there. Nontheless, these are the one’s that fuck shit up for the rest of us. The one’s that get the bright idea to make a left turn while they are 3 lanes over in the right turning lane. The one’s that will pull out in front of you while there is no one behind you and go 10 miles an hour for 1 block and then turn left because they should have made a left instead of making a right and pulling out in front of you. The one’s that are too busy reading street signs like they’re a novel trying to figure out where the hell they are supposed to go. These are the bastards that get rear ended all the time.


There are quite a few obstacles in the way too - as if Grandma Polishinski driving to the Walgreen’s isn’t obstacle enough. You’ve got to accept that at anytime a gaping hole the size of Rhode Island could open up in the road just in front
of you, devouring your front passenger tire in one gulp. You have to prepare yourself for the surprise 5 mile gauntlet of construction zone orange and reflective white colored plastic drums. Do not be surprised to see no one working at all during that 5 mile one lane hell crawl either - Filling in a pot hole the size of Rhode Island takes a long time folks especially when they’re paying you by the hour. So I figure that between all the idiots, Rhode Island Potholes, and construction zones in this city that 3-4 RRIO’s for a single trip to work really wasn’t that bad.

I had this friend that would always tell me the truth no matter what. I was driving with her once and in the middle of our trip she says “You need to relax when you drive or you’re going to have a heart attack.” That was the truth, and I needed to hear it. Apparently it wasn’t so much the frequency of the outbursts because she had to admit that driving in Pittsburgh sucks, it was really the intensity of the outbursts that concerned her. How truly pissed off Grandma Polishinski could make me in under 3 and 1/2 seconds “terrified her,” I believe, her exact words.

I started thinking of a moment from South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut. Terrance and Philip are singing the classic “Uncle Fucker” and during one of the bridges the two of them cross the street and a Canadian Mountie approaches singin “What’s going on here?” What’s going on here saved me from my heart attack because any time someone pissed me off whilst driving I say that line outloud and I can do nothing but laugh, and maybe sing a verse of Uncle fucker. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are good for your well being, at least, that is, if you’re a driver in Pittsburgh. Now shut your fucking face Uncle Fucker.